Let's Not Pretend

Where should we start? If you really knew me sounds good. Alright, so, if you really knew me, you'd know that in this class, I feel like a scientist in a sea of artists. I feel like my skills are inadequate, and sometimes that's discouraging, but then I remember that poster in Shep's room that says, "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right." 

I think I can. I think I can.

-- Thomas the train. I never watched that show.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have more secrets than area 51, and I don't normally share things just because you asked. You would know that the secrets I keep aren't secrets for good reasons--I'm just afraid to trust. Withholding information makes me feel powerful. 

You would know that my parents make me doubt myself, but this class has been helping with that. You can be poor and still be happy.

I'm deathly afraid of spiders and the dark, and I'm good at keeping calm in bad situations, unless those situations involve spiders or the dark. 

The say something that no one else knows about you game makes me nervous. I've never had a boyfriend, and I've never had a first kiss, and I'm perfectly secure about it.

I can tie a cherry stem in a knot using nothing but my tongue, and every time I do it my mom makes some remark about being a good kisser. Gosh dang it, Mom. 

I'm sorry for anyone who has had me in carpool, because I don't say much. I could make excuses about how I can't think straight in the morning (which is true), but really it's because sometimes I really don't know what to say, or how to say it. And when I do say it out loud, it's not always the line I had in my head, which was perfectly edited and actually made sense.

I daydream a lot, and I'm trying to work on that. Working on not doing it, I mean. At least, not in public. I've failed miserably.

I'm a huge nerd. I know people say that about themselves, but I mean it. Huge. And more than anything, I just want a friend I can do a fangirl squee with.

I love art and writing, and I have a new found love of poetry. I didn't understand what it could be until this year, but now that I know, my life will never be the same. I just wish I could write it. Writing, stripped of structure, yet it all has a pattern. I'm an autistic writer, trying to figure out how to do all these things using rules. I'm drowning in a sea of guidelines. 

Wilson. 

I feel like an alien in the world. I don't always understand the weird customs humans have. I have sanity issues. I talk to voices in my head,. It's actually quite healthy.

This whole "secret sharing" thing is actually a lot more therapeutic than I gave it credit for.

-- #Ryan out